More Ways for Airlines to Save Money
When I was in my teens and 20’s, filled with wanderlust, I used to look up whenever an airliner was passing overhead, and say to myself, “I don’t know where that plane is going, but I wish I was on it.”
Now I look up at passing airliners and say, “I don’t know where that plane is going, but I give thanks to all that is holy that I’m NOT on it.”
I imagine lots of people feel the same way, and everybody knows why: the crowds, the lines, the security checks, the packed-like-sardines seating, the sudden cancellations, the long delays, etc., etc. Flying is as fun as a root canal.
But that’s old news. Here’s the new news: On Monday, JetBlue announces a seven-dollar charge for a blanket and pillow for flights longer than two hours. Over the weekend, US Airways says it’s going to start charging for water and coffee. Other airlines have introduced surcharges for a second piece of luggage of between 15 and 20 dollars. One airline stopped showing in flight movies. (No big loss there. I’ve been on flights where the movie was so bad, people were walking out. Hello? Is this thing on?) And what do you want to bet airline executives are huddling as we speak to come up with still more cutbacks and new revenue streams to make up for rising fuel costs and slumping business? More after the jump.
Let’s try and help them out. It’ll be fun! I’ll begin with one idea I mentioned on Monday night’s newscast, after the story about the JetBlue pillow charge:
• Pay toilets. Come on, you KNOW they’re thinking about this! It’s sure-fire! Talk about your captive audience. I’m thinking a dollar. Per minute. You need extra time, you bring extra cash. You can also pre-purchase tokens at the gate, for a slight discount. The airlines can then move all public bathrooms on the concourses as far away as possible from the actual gates, to foil passengers trying to go for free just before the plane leaves. And as part of the security check, you WILL be scanned for adult diapers, which, needless to say, will be prohibited.
• No Luggage allowed AT ALL! Not even carry on. So how would the airlines make money off this? Well, besides lighter airplanes and lower fuel costs, they would open up department stores at each airport of destination, where travelers will have to buy whatever they’ll need for the duration of their stay. The underwear sales alone would bring in millions.
• Fewer flight attendants. Frankly, if they’re not going to be serving free coffee or bringing little blankies when you get chilly, what’s the point? I’d say one flight attendant per airliner, to give that little safety demonstration, and after that sell bathroom tokens.
• Clothing-optional flights.
• Two words: folding chairs. And you have to bring your own. Hey, it’s not like you need the tray table on the seatback anymore. They’re not serving anything. And at any time, space could be cleared for a dance floor.
I told you that would be fun! Anybody have any more suggestions?
